My New Mama
To quote Steve Martin, I was born a poor black child. My early life was spent on a dusty no-name farm deep in the heart of Texas. I never knew my daddy, but Mama did her best to raise us up right. [Does anyone else remember the Travis Tritt remake of the Elvis Presley song … “Hello T-R-O-U-B-L-E” when they hear “Mama did her best to try and raise us right” ?] We didn’t have as much as some, but she saw to it that our bellies were full most of the time, and I had lots of brothers and sisters to play with. Since that’s all I knew, I thought things were pretty good. Then one day my life changed completely. [Different Country Song: “If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plan.” ]
The whole family, Mama and all the kids, piled into the back of the old pickup. It was our first trip to town! Mama had told us about going to town and how exciting it would be and how our whole lives would change.
All the kids fought to get a look out the back until Mama gave us a swat and told us to settle down, but we could still feel the wind through our hair and smell the countryside as it whizzed by. [Odd. When I think of whizzing in the countryside I don’t think of cars at all.] Maybe it was the rocking of the road or the hum of the asphalt, but before long I was fast asleep.
I don’t know how long I was out, but when I awoke, I was gazing into the eyes of the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Long blonde hair, big hazel eyes, and a smile that just melted my heart. I had to shake myself to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. Then she picked me up, gave me a big wet kiss, and took me back to her car. I began to drift back to sleep again in her arms when I realized what was happening: I was being kidnapped! [Hmm. Dogs have a funny vernacular. Humans call that sort of thing a dream.]
Okay, perhaps kidnapped is too strong a word, but that’s how it felt at the time. As I settled into my new life with this beautiful woman, however, I began to appreciate just how nice life could be. I got fancy food, I slept in a big soft bed, and I had toys in every room in the house. Then came the clothes. [I’m really off here. Clothes wasn’t the first thing I thought of with the beautiful blonde woman and the big soft bed. Maybe it’s just me.]
Now, I’m as girlie as the next pooch, but getting all gussied up in little dresses every day took some getting used to. They even got in the way of my normal everyday activities. [Maybe she’s just checking to see if a hem has come loose.]
Once I started going out in the world with my new Mama, however, I began to see the advantages of the outfits. It seems everyone thought I was just the cutest thing they had ever seen. [Color me cynical, but I’m thinking it wasn’t the dog’s clothes that captivated everyone when they met Jana. It was probably something else entirely … like her very fine automobile.] And when we moved out to L.A., the whole thing intensified. People stopped us on the street to gush over me, and truth be told, it went to my head a little. I got this crazy idea that if I could just get an agent, maybe I could be a star. [Yeah, but Hollywood’s not that kind to what it considers to be “Dog Stars” you know. Weren’t there like eight “Lassies” ? And it even took Mary Kate and Ashley to make just one real person, right?]