Check it. … See Spartan King Charles (not his name in the movie, but way the hell easier to remember) left behind one seriously hot babe of a widow played by Brea Bennett. And one thing we all know for absolute fact is that these porno bitches can play ANGRY with some scary enthusiasm. Brea (also with a weird and completely impossible to remember name, so we just ignorin’ those pissy details from now on) gets up with her four equally hot – and equally pissed off ‘cuz they dudes all dead and all – BFFs. … We know what comin’ next don’t we?

When momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. … True that.

Naturally, what with this being in the deep of mystical times, (Y’know what I’m sayin’?) Brea gets Renee Perez, Cassidy, Nikki Kane, and Jana Jordan to head on up the mountain with her to visit your typical old, ugly, perverted, hermit-guy that just happens to have some major magical mojo at his command. See, now what happens is that “The Four” – Brea, Renee, Cassidy, and Nikki – they all get the kick-ass powers of 300 men EACH, y’see – and the old ugly dude gets to keep Jana Jordan. Hell, we done tol’ you he was magic. (‘Course he pleasures Jana with dancin’ fool Amber Rayne instead o’ hisself, so it must be that bein’ an old, ugly, perverted, hermit-guy with major magical mojo ain’t really all that bitchin’ as it turns out. Life just ain’t fair most times.)

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Anais — A Matter of “Choice”

Meanwhile, Marco, bein’ a bit mystical all on his own can feel somethin’ don’t seem right with the cosmos anymore, and so he summons his own witch-babe Jennifer Dark who says, “Yeah, you right. Some bad shit commin’ down here.” Marco, he got a whole kingdom full of slutty slaves to distract his ass, though, so he pretty much just slaps the witch and tells her to go fix it up right for him.

So we gots The Four royally pissed off Spartan widows marchin’ across the desert (Ain’t it always a desert?) to whip some bloody Persian booty, and we gots witch-lady headin’ up the armies to stop ‘em. … Accordin’ to the geeks nobody really talks to here this must o’ all been before them Greeks invented math on account o’ even with the power of 300 men EACH, that 1,200 was still facin’ some mighty long odds takin’ on the entire Persian army with magical witch-lady in charge. But this here’s fantasy, and besides Michael Ninn can do whatever he wants. Just ax him.