Aloha to Stripping
(but not “Aloha” – if that makes sense)
by Nobody Special
I could never master a language where you use the same word for “Hello” as you do for “Goodbye”. What if I walked up to someone, and they just said “Aloha” to me? I would presume they mean “Hello” — but what if they’re secretly insulting me, and really wish I’d leave? Thus they’d mean “Aloha” in the “Goodbye” sense, right? No. I prefer to be abused the old fashioned way — directly to my face. Then I can at least use one of the various huffs of righteous indignation I’ve learned over the years.
Let me tell you: When you’re a Porn Star manager, you get used to being abused in wildly diverse sorts of ways. You’d better learn righteous indignation and laughter pretty darned quickly, or you’re going to be in a whole lot of fights. I was never a big guy. I learned to huff with the best of them.
I also learned to beware of phrases like “Great Opportunity” and “Once in a Lifetime Experience” when they emanate from the mouths of executives wishing to hire our clients. Hey, I had a tibial plateau fracture once, and it was a great opportunity to learn to use crutches. Also, I certainly hope it only comes once in my lifetime. Life boils down to a simple matter of perspective.
So when I happened to be visiting the guy that was the original producer of Playboy TV’s Night Calls, and he said, “Hey! I was cleaning out a box in the guest room, and I found a photo album that would be great to include in your site,” I was a little apprehensive.
When I saw the first few photos, however, I (certainly not grudgingly, I’m sure) conceded that this collection might indeed be interesting here. I didn’t pay much attention at the time, though, as we did have a nude Reagan Conner in the room, and that sort of thing still kind of distracts me. As a matter of fact, the people around here have one continuing instruction: If I’m ever not distracted by a naked woman, they have only one further obligation before they begin the search for new employment. They need to bury me. I’m dead.
Now about the time we got the album back to the office, and actually set about scanning the images, I began to wonder just which type of “Aloha” my dear friend intended here. These shots all took place in January of 1998, a fact I’m able to recall with absolute certainty, as you’ll be able to tell soon. (OK. So you’ll be able to tell relatively soon. I “do go on” as D.Minion seems altogether too fond of saying.) The trip in question that resulted in these photos happened to be to Honolulu, Hawaii, for a program PBTV had at the time called Strip Search. Basically they’d take four or five stars with them, and they’d visit some nude bar in some city, and they’d film the stars performing dance “routines” … and a whole bunch of other “new girls naked” — the hallmark of the Playboy tradition.
Well, it turned out that Dear Friend shot the photos here with one of those $5 camera-in-a-box setups that promise “beautiful panoramas” of the local scenery. Now while I admire the choice of subject matter here for “local scenery” you’d think a professional television producer would actually choose his recording equipment on a much higher plane. At this point I began to suspect my “Aloha” could have meant, “Let’s see you try to do something with this mess, Mr. We Can Do Anything with Photoshop.” (You’re probably not surprised to learn that my friends can be nearly as sarcastic as I. Hey, we can’t all be role models.)
Then, as the crew set about the task of seeing just what we could in fact make of the blobs of darkness that we had to work with, I happened to ask Dear Friend if he could write a bit of a story. I suggested (tenderly, as I recall) that he might simply provide us with some witty, dare I say pithy, insights into the Executive World of Playboy TV. … Then I got this in response:
“Playboy’s Stripsearch Hawaii” was perhaps one of the best Stripsearch trips I was fortunate to go on when I was producing that series. A year or so before while on our way home from shooting segments at a Vivid shoot for the Helmet-cam show with Gary Gray, Gary and I decided to spend some extra time in Oahu and scout locations for Stripsearch. Well, our hard work paid off and we were given the opportunity to spend a few days in Hawaii producing “Stripsearch Hawaii”. Well … thanks to Super Bowl XXX (ironic, huh?) a few days turned into about a week because my cast revolted and refused to fly on Super Bowl Sunday, a demand I quickly gave in to.
It was a great week with close old friends (Vicca, Nikita, Lexus and Alexandra Silk) and a lot of sexy new friends too. The highlight for me was a group dinner at Duke’s on the beach where all of a sudden I heard a strange sound coming from underneath the table. … It was Alexandra Silk’s pocket rocket. Apparently she always masturbates before dessert. Needless to say she was served lots of cake and pie on the trip. Gotta keep the girls happy. …
Aside from learning that Stripsearch was apparently one word, I also learned that we common laborers can get slighted in the History as Told by Muckity-Mucks. (That’s one of those technical terms we highly educated types use to impress people at cocktail parties. Feel free to bring it into your own vocabulary if you think it might help.) While “the cast revolted” might have the slimmest glimmer of truth in it, the situation didn’t exactly play out that way. In the fashion of Dear Friend, let me elaborate:
‘Twas early November in 1997 when a curious call came in from a Playboy TV Executive, wanting to discuss potential shoot dates late the following January. Now I did not pick those dates; I had nothing whatsoever to do with the planning of this shoot at all. It became clear, however, that said Executive did not fall even remotely into the “Football Fan” category.
“Um,” I began ever-so-politely, “There’s no way we’re flying on Super Bowl Sunday, just so you know.” (One should always be as polite as possible towards non Football Fans, because it’s not nice to make fun of handicapped people.)
“You don’t even know if Denver’s going to be in the Super Bowl,” the charming wit responded.
“And it doesn’t matter a bit,” I replied. “There’s no way any of us are getting on a plane on Super Bowl Sunday. I’m going to watch the game, no matter who’s playing. And I’ll likely even watch the commercials, if you’re curious.”
“Well, what if we fly you in on Saturday? Would that work?” came the next volley.
“Sure,” said I. “I don’t care where I watch the game. I care that I watch the game.”
Then presumably the Dear Friend went about his very important Executive-Type Duties, and I didn’t think anything about it until early January when I heard back on this subject. (Also at this time we knew that the Broncos did indeed stand an excellent chance of making it to the upcoming Super Bowl, as I’m sure you’re all aware.)
In deference to anticipated D.Minion Moaning, I’ll attempt to speed up the progress of the situation here. … Basically it turns out to be rather difficult to get a flight at the last minute flying into Hawaii. Apparently some silly people plan months and months in advance for this exact trip. Who knew? Also, the overflow silly people use their backup plan and fly in on the Friday. …
When all was said and done, we ended up landing in Honolulu at 8:00 Thursday morning, and the first time we actually went to work was at 6:00 Monday night — all the while eating, drinking, and enjoying the (panoramic) atmosphere on Playboy’s dime. For three entire days my only responsibilities were sitting on a Pacific beach with Vicca, Nikita, and Lexus Locklear, trying to decide which kind of drink with an umbrella we wanted next. And then I got to watch the Super Bowl, which Denver did in fact manage to reach — and win for the first time in their history.
Now I’m not 100% sure if that constituted absolute Nirvana or not, but I’m willing to bet you could see it from there.
Those of you that have attended conventions with us in the past may well have heard that story before, but this time it has a wonderful post script attached. A couple of weeks ago I was visiting a web client at his retail store up in Pasadena. One of the women working there happened to be talking about taking a trip to Hawaii, and so naturally I told that story. Well, when I finished I looked over, and the man that owns the store had the strangest look on his face. About this time I realized that this fine gentleman happened to have been the President of Playboy TV at the time of this adventure, and apparently my friend The Executive must have glossed over some of the details in his accounting for the trip. Oops.
I quickly deployed a variation on the righteous indignation huff, smiled, and said, “Oh, hey. That’s right. You approved that trip. Thank you!” … And then I scurried away to resume taking pictures.
By the way, I did actually look up the work “Aloha” on Google, which turns out to be a lot easier than the old dictionary, encyclopedia, and card catalog systems used to be. Apparently a simple “Aloha” not only means Hello or Goodbye, but it can also mean I Love You … and therefore probably I think you’re a despicable person, and I hope you get hit with a horrendous bout of hemorrhoids later today.
Considering the effort that went into providing the illustrations today, and the fine opportunity we’ve now had to learn a bit more about Life in Pornland, the “double-edged sword” approach did seem to fit, though. Hopefully you’ll be able to appreciate the experience, however relatively lacking in technical prowess the presentation may appear.
Oh, and Eric, Aloha …
As would be expected out here in the “open” parts of the Risqué Commune, we really could not put many photos of the event, even though many, many exist in the membership area. If you think about it, we were shooting for something called “Strip Search” so it kinda makes sense that clothes did not last very long in that environment. This was before social media too, so we do not have hundreds of boring pictures of all the food we were eating and drinks we were drinking, but you can just image those easily enough. Just search “Aloha” on your favorite app. You’ll get the picture. You probably will not get any as good as the one of Nikita here at the top (actually from this trip), but you’ll see lots of pineapple. That will have to do.
